#iHate People That Drive Below the Speed Limit in the Left-Hand Lane

Hate is a strong word. But I hate that people drive below the speed limit in the left-hand lane. Let’s make sure we all get one thing perfectly clear: the left-hand lane is the “passing” lane. Which means that your ignorant self should only be there if you are, wait for it……….wait for it……….passing another motor vehicle. I’m not trying to be ugly, but I think if you drive below the speed limit in the left-hand lane that you have a crappy life and should have your driving privileges revoked for one year. There’s just no need for it. It makes no sense. You’re an idiot who’s holding up traffic, and ain’t nobody got time for that. And you wanna know what makes me even more irate? That condescending or dumbfounded look on their face when you pass them. I never know if they are too stupid to know they’re wrong, or if they’re just a jerk who wants to tick people off. My mother would be disappointed to hear the adjectives I use to describe people in this moment. Vulgar and profane are understatements. I literally make up curse words. It’s embarrassing. What I need are external vehicle speakers so I can let Ludacris tell them how I really feel.

 #iHateMondays

Mr.#iHateMondays

#Move(expletive)GetOutTheWay

#Driving101

#iGotPlacesToBe

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#iHate People That Don’t Check Links and Memes Before They Post Them

Hate is a strong word. But I hate people that post article links and memes without first verifying them. Just so we’re all on the same page, it makes you look like an idiot. Your individual social media accounts make up your personal brand. And if your brand is full of nonsensical and clearly erroneous posts, no one can take you or your life choices seriously. In fact, the rest of us spend a good deal of time screen-shoting them and saying things like “can you believe what this dummy just posted?”. You need to get your life together and quit being an imbecile. If the headline gets you so butt-hurt that you have to stand up, there’s an excellent chance it’s filled with inaccuracies and outright lies. I’m an extremely nonviolent person, but I strongly believe anyone posting such foolishness deserves to be slapped. Not too hard though. Just enough so their teets (teeth) click. People need to understand that there are consequences and repercussions to stupidity. I’m far from the smartest person in the world, but if I see an article entitled “Justin Timberlake and Oprah Expecting Twin Midgets” or “Get your gas and milk because the world is about to end”, I would definitely check a reputable source before posting it. Stupidity kills. Don’t make me keep telling you that.  

 #iHateMondays

#DontBeTHATPerson

#RespectYourself

#UseGoogle

#ThatsWhatItsThereFor

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#iHate when I have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Hate is a strong word. But I hate when I have use the bathroom in the middle of the night. Just the idea of it makes me ornery. The number of thoughts that go through your head during this timeframe is insane. It’s a crime against humanity to be under this kind of pressure at such an hour. Inevitably, we all think the same thing; “I wonder if I can just hold it”. Which sounds like a possibility, in theory. Until the slightest movement brings forth the realization that it’s not a viable option. So then you’ve gotta find the mental fortitude to get out of bed. And for guys, the hard part has just begun. Every woman knows guys have terrible aim. Holy hell, we miss the toilet at 3:46 pm. So we have very little shot at a successful campaign at 3:46 am. Once you’ve gotten up and made a reasonably decent attempt to concentrate on your stream, going back to sleep is the next door neighbor of impossible. But as you get older, and your bodily functions change, you accept the fact that it’s not worth the risk to chance it. We know what happens if you do. You have that dream that you are actually using the toilet, when in reality you’re still in the bed. The warmth and relief are great. It feels amazing. Until you wake up and realize you have to buy a new mattress. Not to mention the choice words from your significant other. Word to the wise, it’s never a good look when a grown man turns into a 4-year-old.

#iHateMondays

#BlessMyBladder’sHeart

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#iHate Any College Football Team Not Named “The University of Tennessee”

Hate is a strong word. But I hate any college football team not named “The University of Tennessee”. I’m a basketball guy to the core. It gives me life and strength. But there is nothing that will ever be able to compare to Knoxville tailgating, the Vol Walk and players running through the Power T. I get fired up just thinking about it. At the risk of being a lil’ extra, it’s slightly orgasmic. This ain’t no “this is our year” message. Every year is our year. We take the good with the bad and support our team no matter what. Which is infinitely more than I can say for all of you bandwagon and fair weather fans out there. I bleed orange and will ride with my dudes until the wheels fall off. Thursday can’t get here soon enough. It’s goin’ down. Just like your grandma’s basement. Just like Nelly in his Range Rover. If I ever have a son, I’m going to name him Peyton Tee Neyland #iHateMondaysJustLikeMyDad Herring. And dare anyone to say something about it. Every time I see someone from East Tennessee that likes another team, I literally want to vomit. You all are the worst kind of people. If there’s ever a real life Purge, just know that I’m coming for you. To my Vol family, let’s do this.

#iHateMondays

#ButiLoveTheVols

#RockyTop

#HomeSweetHome

#GBO

#VOL4Life

#SECChampions

#NationalChampions

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#iHate Stupid People

Hate is a strong word. But I hate stupid people. To clarify, I’m pacifically referring to people that can’t walk and chew gum at the same time. Folks that, as my old boss used to say, don’t have “walk around sense”. People who make us all dumber just for having been in the same room as them. I’m not sure if it’s the election, excessive heat, or just my bad luck, but I’ve been running into these jokers all twenty sixteen. They’re everywhere. I’m not afraid of death. It’s part of life. I lose zero winks of sleep over public speaking. I like to hear myself talk. And I truly have no fear of failure. I’ve gotten pretty good at it. What keeps me up at night with endless anxiety is the thought of having a conversation with an idiot. If you think time moves slow when you close your eyes at work, try having a meaningful conversation with a stupid person. It’s one of the most brutal forms of cruel and unusual punishment known to man. I generally do a good job of avoiding stupidity in my personal life, but we all know it’s not easy professionally. We can argue about healthcare, immigration, terrorism, climate change and job creation all we want to. But until we fix the problem of stupid people, our society will continue to struggle. If I ruled the world, I’d require all stupid people to wear a dunce hat so we’d know who they are on sight.

#iHateMondays

#StupidityKills

#AllSummerSixteen

#PlayingStupidNotClean

#GetYouSomeSense

#ItAintThatHard

#ThatsWhatSheSaid

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#iHate People That Post Fight Videos

Hate is a strong word. But I hate people that post fight videos. It’s unimaginable to me that there are people in their 30’s and 40’s who think sharing this kind of violence is acceptable.  Let me tell you, it is not. It’s disgusting, embarrassing, and makes you look utterly foolish. Most of these fights involve minors that need responsible adults to help them make better decisions, not glorify the kind of behavior that will inevitably lead to their incarceration or even death. Every time I see one of these fight videos I am sickened and appalled. Posting these physical altercations is something that junior high and high school students do. Not reasonable and levelheaded adults who are supposed to be contributing positivity to society. If you are an adult who does this, you should be ashamed of yourself. Your actions are reckless and only serve as a means to perpetuate continued violence. Now with that said, if you do choose to post a fight video, make sure you tag me in the comments section. Cause you know I be watchin’ em, too.  With popcorn in hand.

#iHateMondays

#HypocrisyMonday

#EveryoneLikesaGoodFight

#DoAsISay

#NotAsIDo

#FightClub

#ALittleBitofTongue

#ALittleBitofCheek

#LikeCraigDidDeebo

#YouGotKnockedThe(Expletive)Out

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#iHate My Uncle Sam

Hate is a strong word. But I hate my Uncle Sam. He is the most self-righteous, two-faced, underhanded son of a birch that I know. He contributes almost nothing to my life, but is constantly trying to tell me how to live it. Every time he contacts me, I want to push my Kanye button. The only reason I show him any respect at all is because he’s my mother’s brother. But before she died, she told me that she didn’t like his sorry butt either. He has no sense of finance management. He spends 95% of his money on lottery tickets, cigarettes, and only sweet Baby Jesus knows what else. And he’s always got this friend with him. I ain’t never met the guy, but I think he calls him Fica or something. I have no idea how he knows when I get paid, but every two weeks he calls me looking for a handout. And to make it worse, I get an annual visit from him by January 31st, in which he proceeds to tell me he has some emergency and needs a load of cash by April 15th. As if what I’ve been giving him all year isn’t enough. He’s got these two women that he bounces between every 4-8 years, and neither of them are quality options. They’re almost as bad as he is. If you have a drunk uncle like me, Mandy and Brian, I know you feel me. But I’m tired of his crap. The next time I see him, (Bernie Mac voice) it’s gon be some furniture movin’. Imma bust his head to the white meat. I refuse to deal with this dude any longer.

#iHateMondays

#NoMoreMisterNiceGuy

#iLoveMyAuntieJeanThough

#MyUncleisWorseThanYours

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#iHate Waking Up Early

Hate is a strong word. But I hate waking up early. Don’t come talking to me about your proverbial early bird and how it catches the worm. I don’t eat worms. I eat tacos. And I can get those any time I want. Do I understand the value of getting up early and starting the day? Absolutely. Do I enjoy it? Holy hell to the naw. What happened to the 90’s and early 2000’s when I could stay in bed until noon and still have a productive day. One of my biggest problems with adulting is that waking up at 8 am now constitutes “sleeping in”. You’ve gotta be kidding me. If I had my druthers (and somehow managed to win the Powerball), I would never get up before 11 am. And my butler (who would most certainly be a scantily dressed female) would have mimosas ready for me daily. I enjoy what I do professionally (most days), but I would certainly enjoy it more if they let me slide in that thang around 10 or 10:30.  I see no reason for me to have to get up before Ra (God of the Sun). I truly feel like Sweet Baby Jesus wants us to awaken at the same time. Forget all of the political rhetoric about terrorism, hacked email accounts and global warming. Give me the candidate that mandates corporate America can’t start until 9:15 each day. That’s the person I’m voting for.

P.S. Big ups to all of the parents who are responsible for getting themselves and their children up. I have a hard time finding a clean pair of undies in the morning. Ain’t no way I could be responsible for another being.

#iHateMondays

#iHateMyAlarmClock

#CleanUndiesFTW

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#iHate Lazy Coworkers

Hate is a strong word. But I hate lazy coworkers. You wanna talk about something that really sticks in my craw. There ain’t nothin’, and I mean nothin’, more frustrating than having to deal with that one person who holds you up during that 57.46% of your time at work that you actually want to get something done. You know the person I’m referring to. The one where half your time is spent trying to figure out how they keep their job, and the other half is spent trying to figure out how in the holy hell they got there in the first place. I want absolutely no dealings with this person. Not an email or phone call. I don’t want to talk to them by the coffee pot, and I couldn’t care less how their weekend was. I will do more work just to not have to collaborate with them on a project, and I will be an active participant in any conversation regarding their lack of skill, talent and effort.  Everything about their existence irks me. Even if they do something well, I can’t praise them. Because they pretty much suck at everything else. Additionally, they almost always have at least one accompanying bad trait (i.e. body odor, bad breath, annoying voice, etc.). And just so we’re on the same page, if you can’t think of the person I’m describing……………….it’s you.

#iHateMondays

#FireThemAlready

#TheMayorofLoserville

#LazinesssKills

Don’t forget to purchase your very own copy of “#iHateMondays……….50 Shades of Hate” at:  https://www.amazon.com/iHateMondays-50-Shades-Hate-ebook/dp/B019CV1I4O?ie=UTF8&*Version*=1&*entries*=0

#iHate Adults Who Brag About High School Accomplishments

Hate is a strong word. But I hate people that still brag about high school accomplishments. For what? Absolutely no one cares. No one. If you’re still talking to me about how great (at anything) you were in the 90’s, you ain’t done much with your life. Yeah, I know you were an excellent athlete. A true 3-sport star. So what. Unless you used that natural ability to get an education, it doesn’t mean much. And it doesn’t mean anything if you don’t at least talk to young people about making the same mistakes you did. Yeah, I know you used to be fine in high school. You had all the girls/guys. But your day has come and gone. And it didn’t last very long. Now you look like Lil Kim and Christopher Walken’s lovechild. I believe the phrase is “rode hard and put up wet”. Yeah, I know you had the fancy car and more money in your pocket than the rest of your classmates. But life changes when mommy and daddy stop footin’ the bill. I see that ’94 Ford Explorer ain’t poppin’ like it used to be. Believe me, I wasn’t envious then and I’m not hatin’ now (well, kinda). It just goes to show how life twists around. I remember me and Darren Osborne asking ourselves one of life’s eternal questions:  Is it better to be a “has been” or a “never was”? I honestly don’t know. But I do know that these bills keep comin’ every month, and nothing I did multiple decades ago does anything to help pay them.

#iHateMondays

#iHate30SomethingHighSchoolSuperstars

#OutWiththeOldandinWiththeNew

#YourGreatnessisExaggerated

Don’t forget to purchase your very own copy of “#iHateMondays……….50 Shades of Hate” at:  https://www.amazon.com/iHateMondays-50-Shades-Hate-ebook/dp/B019CV1I4O?ie=UTF8&*Version*=1&*entries*=0